Mirror

by Soshika

(this takes place shortly after Cyrus had to run from the guards who had tried to shoot him. i was kinda unclear on where the lab was, so i fell back on cinnibar. ^_^; also..i'm quasi-e.e. cummings in the way i fail to cap. ah well.)

(Zarla's note:I went back and fixed da caps. ^_^ And some minor spelling errors, nothin serious.)

My lungs were burning, the air whooshing in and out of them with a razor sharpness that brought constant pain. The used air puffed out in front of me as I ran, although I don't know why I was running. Behind me, what I was running from was the only place I had ever known. It was a hellhole, but it was still home. Even an abused stray dog stays with a cruel master, because it has no where else to go. I was arguing with myself as I sped over the snow. I was glad it was winter- glad there was snow on the ground.

Otherwise, they might have followed me by my tears.

I'm not human, I thought, feeling something tighten in my chest as I let that slip. I'm not anything. What am I? Another crystal snuck out of the corner of my eye. I wiped at it angrily. It was making me sick, the feeling around my chest. It was like someone was standing on me, keeping me from breathing full breaths. What AM I?

You're a freak, I thought back at myself, hissing between my teeth. I don't know why you're even pretending to run, you know your feet aren't on the ground.

I stopped abruptly and collapsed in the snow a moment, burrying my face into the iceyness. It bit at my face and froze to my hair, but I didn't care. The hurt, the feeling made me alive again. It made me feel normal, even though I wasn't. To feel the snow on my bare feet and hands like anyone else- it was something I wished I could keep. I wished I could feel my toes going numb and cold when I ran. But I couldn't.

I was created- I wasn't born. I'm only half a human. The other half of me is a pokémon, Mew. I float like Mew. My feet never feel the ground unless I drop to it. That feeling made me pissed. It made me burn inside. My own mental voice started berating me again.

Are you done pretending to be human? Pretending to run? Take a good look at your feet- you stupid prick. I glanced down at my own feet, a crystal landing between them in the snow. They were soft and unscarred, just like an infant's. They'd never felt the ground for very long at all in one day. You can't even pass as human. Your shoes'll never be worn down, everyone'll know something's up.

I growled. I was making myself angry. I felt it welling up, uncontrolled and uncontained now. Now that I was free, there wouldn't be any more shocks to stop me from unleashing my own fury. There was nothing to stop me. I could turn my power wherever I wanted. I chose myself.

With a snarl I swung my fists against the snow, sending a cascade of white upwards. I slashed with my nails, dark energy enhancing my strength. The ground broke away around me, but I didn't stop. Crystals were dropping now with a steady rythym, and I beat at them too. You can't even cry like a normal human. Can't even put salt back into the earth. You're USELESS. I started to hit my feet. They would feel the pain that'd been denied. They would bear scars.

The snow started to leech red from me,a crimsion flower blossoming in the dead of winter. I lost control and began slashing wildly at anything...the snow, myself, anything. Dark flashes tore across my legs and the forest around me...I tried to curl up to get away from my own fury but it didn't help... my dark fire was stronger than my willpower. I'd never had a chance to learn to control it. It took me over, and I couldn't see anything but dark red for a moment. The time elapsed and I was unaware. What I did I do not know.

A moment later, I lay on my side in the snow, panting hard, crystals forming a small pile by my face. I tried to sit up, but hissed when I found my right arm was hurt too. The sleeve of my black shirt was gone, I must have torn it off in my fury. I propped myself up on my opposite elbow and looked at what I'd done.

Wings of red swam across the snow in front of me, scattered across it were rings of crystal drops. My jeans were torn and stained with red blood, my feet burning in contact with the snow. I panted a breath and ran a hand through my hair.

Nice work, I thought. Nice fuckin' work, baby. Threw a goddamn tantrum like a fuckin' kid, and look where it got you. Nowhere, that's where. Now they just have a blood trail to follow.

I hugged my knees to my chest and rocked a little, not sure what to think. I didn't know where I'd learned those words, but they fit. They were part of the rage. I fished my left arm inside my torn pockets, looking for a pack of cigarettes. I didn't know how I'd learned about those either... once they let me out of the tube, I'd started tradin with one of the docs for them straight off. It must have been in my blood or something.

My hands shook as I tapped one individual from the pack and held it between my index and pointer, putting the pack back into my pocket and drawing out the lighter. My hand shook so much the flame went out nearly four times before I thought to block it from the wind. I puffed feverishly on the cig, holding the smoke in a long time before letting it out in one shakey breath. My hands were still shaking and I didn't know what to do. I looked out at my wings in the snow, and wondered why I had called them that.

My wings.
I'd torn off my wings to get away from my cage.

You're a fuckin' idiot, where're you gonna go? A flightless bird can't fly away.

"Shut up," I muttered at myself, taking a drag from the cig. I needed to think. Not about myself, but what to do now. I would need somewhere to stay, and no one was going to let me into any shop or house as cut and bloody as I was. And even if I got in, how would I pay for anything? I should have thought this through more.

Not much of a survivalist, are you C? Impressive you even got this far with your stupid ideas..

C....M-2 Specimen C. That was my old life. That wasn't going to be this life. I shivered and remembered things, things no one should remember. I could remember during the first few days I was let out of my tube, sitting on the ledge of my cell window and looking out. I remember the window was barred.

Nobody else's windows were barred.

I wouldn't let it happen again. I wasn't going to. I was standing somewhere between two places...I knew both of them would lead nowhere. In this place surrounded by white, this place where my wings and I were the only colours, I knew I couldn't be called by what they had called me.

I heard once that a great man had said that a rose is still a rose no matter what you call it. That might be, but no one would be willing to put their nose into the flower if it was called armpit.

I had no where to go, I was going to be shaken from place to place by the winds, I could tell that. I was at the feet of Cyrus, and there was only one way around that. I held the cigarette in my lips and narrowed my eyes harshly. "I gotta become what'll hurt me."

Unless I wanted to be at everyone's feet forever, I had to be something more powerful. A wind god seemed to be right. My powers were untrained and uncontrolled, and I was just as furious to escape capture as anything else. I was Cyrus. I was the wind.

You're getting too symbolic, I thought at myself looking away from the blood stained snow. Get back to reality. A name doesn't make us any closer to getting a place to stay, or anything to eat.

I turned to face the direction I'd been running before my tantrum and inhaled heavily on the cig, still hugging my knees. First things first. I needed to get the blood off me, or else I'd get thrown in jail for murder or something, even though I hadn't done a damn thing. There was only one thing to do and that was clean the blood out of my clothes. I stripped the shirt over my head and winced as the cold air and snow hit my skin. I wasn't used to cold- the lab had always had a constant temperature. It made my stomach twist and I felt almost like I was going to be sick for a moment. I pushed the feeling aside and focused. Focusing made me angry...I didn't know why.

Scrubbing the shirt against the clean snow, I began breathing quickly, as if short breaths would somehow keep me from being cold. The hard chunks of snow and ice bit into my knuckles and skin, turning my hands a bright burning red. The snow under the shirt began to whisper of red, and the shirt began to look a bit cleaner...it was hard to tell where blood was on a black shirt.

I shook the ice off the shirt and inched a hand inside one sleeve. The cold hit my skin like a bullet and raced along my body, and I almost yelped. I bit back the noise and slid the wet, icy shirt down over my body, feeling the sick sensation return. Growling, I started to rub ice on my legs and arms, thinning out the blood on my pants until it wasn't even visable. All the shreds remained, of course...snow couldn't reconstruct what I'd broken. I stood quietly, refusing to glance at the wings of blood and tears I was leaving. I was freezing now, but I could ignore that. It didn't matter.

Take a look at yourself somewhere, freak...no one's going to let you into their society.

I blanched at my own thoughts. The sick feeling mixed with intense rage. I started walking.

You know every time you look in the mirror, you'll see a demon. You'll see a demon, C.

I was hardly aware of what I was saying, walking away from my wings. "I don't have to look at the demon anymore."

Why's that, C? You think you escaped the fuckin' dark side? You think a little running and you're off the leash, out of the pen? You think that, C?

"'M not goddamn C!" I shouted, breaking into a run. "'M not a fuckin' experiment!"

Well you sure ain't human. You think a little running's going to save you. You still have to look at the demon.

I wasn't going to take this shit, especially from my own paranoid brain. Rage was growing in me again. I had to go back and destroy the lab, soon. Otherwise the demon would just keep following me, no matter where I went. Two hollow, soulless eyes were always going to be looking back at me. Unless I stopped them. I knew that now. I snarled at myself.
"NO," I sounded so angry I nearly scared myself. "I don't."

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