"Namida-"
The woman continued walking down the hall at the same fast pace, although she did turn her head to awknowledge his statement. When she finally responded, her voice was angry, harsh, and somewhat dangerous.
"What? What is it? What are you going to do to me now, Denka? Going to get me another psychiatrist? See if you can split me into more? Drug me and use me as one of the experiments we have in these very walls?!"
Prof. Denka sighed inwardly. All these accusations were extremely unfounded, except the reference to the psychiatrist, and that was the result of Namida not taking her medication.
Of the three personalities that inhabited the unstable woman's body, Namida was by far the most psychotic. Namida was extremely violent and had no sense of any moral limits of any kind that Prof. Denka could see, although Hana testified differently about her stronger counterpart.
Namida's mood swings and erratic, dangerous behavior had finally caused Prof. Denka to try and prescribe her some kind of medication, which Namida firmly refused and Hana desperatly wanted. The two had argued for hours, and finally Namida agreed to do it, although how Hana had managed to convince her to was beyond him. However, at times Namida would apparently "forget" to take it or just outright refuse. He was forced to make it stronger to compensate for the periods she would go through where she wouldn't take it, but there was only so strong something could get before it had side-affects.
Not only was Namida violent now, but the medication had also made her extremely paranoid and somewhat delusional about herself. She often denied Hana's existence, although Hana would speak directly to her. She claimed she was someone else, somewhere else, or even something else. Believing herself often to be either the greatest human alive or the epitome of failure, she would often fluctuate extremely randomely from sudden bursts of crying to violent attacks. That was mainly Namida. Hana's problems were more subtle, but still as serious, but Namida was the main worry because it was her forceful personality that usually made her inhabit the womans body.
She hadn't taken her medication for a few weeks, more then enough time to let her psychosis take full hold of her. Prof. Denka could tell that Hana, who needed the medication just as badly as Namida did usually, was trying hard to regain control, which caused Namida's voice to often crack with effort or pain, but so far Hana had little success. He had to get her to calm down and take it, or else things could get very bad...
For everyone there, including those within her.
"Namida, listen to me. You feel this way because you're out of control."
"I'm not out of control!" The woman continued walking quickly. She was younger then Prof. Denka and it showed as he began panting. "I know who I am now! And there's no way you can stop me!"
"Please, for the other's sake, take the medication, Namida! There's more then one person in that body!"
"There's shouldn't be!" She shouted suddenly, causing Prof. Denka to stop for a moment, then retaliate with his own anger.
"There is and it's something you have to accept. You have to take care of them. They have as much right to that body as you."
"No they don't." She continued walking, although her pace was slowing. He was glad for this. "This body should be mine."
"It belongs to all of you." Prof. Denka knew it was pointless to try and argue with Namida when she was like this. She would not listen to reason. He had to keep her distracted until he could get her to take her medication..."Can't you understand that?"
She stopped in front of a door and turned towards him. There was a frightening glint in her eyes. "Denka..."
"Prof. Denka, thank you."
She punched in a rapid series of numbers and the door opened. She stepped inside quickly without another word.
Prof. Denka walked in after her, striding into the center of the room. He glanced around, but saw no sign of her.
"Namida...?"
A few quick footsteps and the sound of the door swishing shut greeted him upon turning around. His eyes surveyed the door, but he found that the pad where the number keys waited had been darkened.
She had locked it.
From the outside.
"Namida!" He walked over to the door, leaning against it in efforts of hearing her movement. "Namida, what are you doing?"
"I know what you're planning, but I'm too smart for you!" Her voice had taken a strange edge. "Instead it is me, ME, who is in control!"
"Namida, you're not even remotely in control of yourself, do you hear me? You're not in your right mind. You need to take your medicine-"
"NO! Evil, mind-controlling drugs!"
"Namida, listen to yourself! You're going to hurt someone!"
There was no response.
Frustrated, he tried to use the number-pad, but it remained dark and useless. Turning towards the door, he could hear nothing. She must have left while he was talking.
Sighing to himself, he leaned against the door and tried to think of what to do.
As was usual for him, instead of thinking of a way to escape, he began to think of what kind of electrical device could solve his problem, then how to make the device, what size it would be, what it would need, what kind of programming it required, everything. He planned out every detail in his mind and kept improving on it. Eventually he got so wrapped up in the concept that he forgot he was locked in a room.
A light-hearted humming interrupted his thoughts. Momentarily annoyed that something had disturbed him, he then realized the one person that would have the spirit to sing in such a place.
"Dr. Dowasure!" He called through the door. "Dr. Dowasure, can you hear me?"
The shuffling footsteps paused, the humming stopped, then he could hear him approach the door. "Prof. Denka?"
"Finally someone found me! Namida locked me in here. Can you get me out?" Prof. Denka severely doubted that he could. It was a number lock, and Dr. Dowasure's memory was notoriously bad around numbers.
"Oh...well..." The hesitation in his voice confirmed his doubts. "It's...it's one of those number locks, and I don't know how to open those..."
Now faced with an opportunity to escape, ideas flashed through Prof. Denka's mind. "Listen, you have some of those papers you always carry around in your pocket, right?"
"Yes..."
"Can you slid one under the door?"
There was the sound of rustling paper, then a small yellow corner protruded from beneath the door. Prof. Denka snatched it, pulled a pen from his own pocket, and scribbled what he remembered the number combination to be. He quickly slid it back under.
"Here, try this, okay?"
"Okay..."
He could hear the beeping noises as Dr. Dowasure pushed the buttons on the still-functioning pad. It seemed agonizingly slow to Prof. Denka, but finally it seemed to finish.
"That's the last one..."
Prof. Denka stood away from the door and it slid open. Dr. Dowasure smiled, evidentally proud of himself.
"It worked!"
Before either of them could do anything, a red-brown blur flashed behind Dr. Dowasure. With one swift motion, Namida shoved Dr. Dowasure into Prof. Denka, knocking the two downwards. With equally swift actions, the door slid shut and locked once again.
"Thought you could escape me, huh?" Her voice was taking an even more unstable tone. "I got you both now! You can't hurt me!"
"Namida!"
The sound of Namida running down the halls was a clear sign that she was not going to grant them an audience.
The instant she was gone, Dr. Dowasure burst into tears.
"It's my fault, I'm sorry, I should've been more careful..."
"It's okay." Prof. Denka stared at the door angrily. "She...it's not your fault."
"Yes it is!" Dr. Dowasure was, for once, seemingly adamant about something. "It's my fault, it really is. Oh, how long do you think we're going to be stuck in here? What if we die?"
At the thought of death his large brown eyes opened wide in fright, trickling constant tears. Prof. Denka shook his head slowly, trying to calm the other man down.
"Listen, someone is bound to find us before that happens. Don't worry, we'll be okay."
"No one knows we're in here though! We're going to die!" His focus of determination seemed to be changing randomely, a sign of great stress on his part. He began sobbing again in earnest. "It's my fault, I'm so sorry. I killed us both!"
Prof. Denka could not believe how irrational he was being, but pity stirred in his heart. "We're not dead yet. Honestly. You're over-reacting."
"I'm sorry." Dr. Dowasure sounded as if he genuinely was. "But what...what IS going to happen to us? What if one of the experiments finds us? What if something comes to get us?"
Prof. Denka found such a thought both ludicrous and disconcerting, but didn't show it. "Don't worry, it won't happen."
"But what if it DOES?" Dr. Dowasure was frantic and panicky, no doubt the source for his illogical and childish questions. "What if something DOES come for us?"
Prof. Denka sighed. "I'll protect you, okay?"
Dr. Dowasure stared at him from his tear-filled eyes. "Really?"
He smiled and held his hands outward. "I've protected you ever since I first met you, of course I'd protect you now. Try and relax."
"That's right..." Dr. Dowasure actually did seem to calm down slightly. "You always have been there and whenever you are, everything turns out alright."
"Really?" Prof. Denka was slightly amused by the idea and raised an eyebrow. "Am I good luck?"
"Well, kind of." Dr. Dowasure was calming down considerably, even ceasing his crying. Prof. Denka was glad that he was distracted from the situation at hand, which was more serious then he would admit. "I mean, whenever I'm hurt, you make me feel better. Whenever someone picks on me, you stop it. The only time that hurts is...is when..."
"What?" He was fascinated despite himself. "When?"
Dr. Dowasure put a hand to his mouth and looked off to one side, looking uncomfortable and sad at the same time. "When...when you yell at me, it makes me sad...I don't like that..."
Prof. Denka sighed deeply. "I don't like it either, but there's no other way to help you, you do know that, right? Unless there is some kind of punishment for your errant behavior, you'll continue on with it...and..."
He didn't sound as if he meant it and it showed. Unable to continue with his statement, he was silent for a few moments, staring off to one side like his companion. Finally, he spoke again.
"Alright, I hate doing it. It hurts to watch you cry, you know that? With everyone else I've ever seen, their tears don't have the slightest effect on me but you..." Prof. Denka sighed and looked towards Dr. Dowasure, who was staring at him in confusion. "I don't know, there's something about your tears that make them painful...make them sting my heart. I hate to hurt you and I would do anything else if it were possible but..."
"Why don't you do something else then?" Dr. Dowasure looked near tears again, but he rubbed at his eyes furiously, trying to halt them, having now learned of the effect they had.
Prof. Denka again slid his eyes off to one side. "...there isn't any other way. I...I spoke with Dr. Kagakusha after she struck you. Do you remember?"
Dr. Dowasure nodded slowly. Prof. Denka had doubted that he had forgotten that, due to the traumatic effect it had on him, but he had to make sure.
"She thought that if you were treated like Teishi...beaten down, physically wounded, then you would stop your forgetful behavior."
At this, Dr. Dowasure began shivering visibly. "Teishi...like Teishi, she wanted to beat me that badly? ...to hurt me until I...I broke..."
This thought was incredibly frightening to Dr. Dowasure. He had a terrible fear of pain and the thought of enduring as much as the small boy had was enough to cause him to curl into a tight ball.
Prof. Denka stared at him with sadness. He knew he would react this way. "I know. I also knew that would never work and I also knew there was no way on earth I could ever let you get hurt. She challenged me to think of another way..."
Dr. Dowasure looked at him with frightened eyes.
Prof. Denka sighed again and stared at his hands. "I couldn't think of much...but I remembered how I was able...I was able to make you weep by speaking harshly towards you."
Dr. Dowasure continued staring at him, tears forming despite his best efforts. "I...I remember that..."
Prof. Denka felt frustrated and it showed in his voice for a few moments. "I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't think of anything else. I suggested that instead of physical pain, we...we could use words. To hurt you..." Prof. Denka made a noise of contempt at himself, shaking his head back and forth. "We shouldn't have thought of hurting you in the first place...it's a terrible thing to do to someone else, especially someone like you...but...I was frightened."
Prof. Denka looked up and noticed that Dr. Dowasure was still staring at him, tears falling from his eyes, a confused look on his face. Prof. Denka tried to keep his own face set. "I was frightened of what might have happened if Kagakusha was allowed to govern you herself. I know she was capable of doing much worse to you...she did worse to Teishi...and so I thought...I thought if anyone should have to hurt you...it should be me. Because I knew you and I knew...I thought I knew what was best..."
He leaned back and closed his eyes. "I shouldn't have let her talk me into it...I hate lecturing you, ever since the first time I did it, I hated it. To watch you, who once had such a reverent trust in me, watch you stare at me in confusion...wonder why I was doing this...why...why I was hurting you, and I never wanted to. To watch you collapse into tears with simple words. My words...there's nothing in the world I hate more...but...I can't let her get a hold of you...I've seen what she does to innocent things like you." He looked at Dr. Dowasure, who was crying softly. "I've seen what Namida does...from Teishi to C...Namida destroys everything she hates, and she hates innocence because she no longer has any. If I let her have you...she would have destroyed you...like she's done to others...so it fell on my shoulders to have to hurt you..."
"Prof. Denka..." Dr. Dowasure's voice was small and frightened. "You...you never wanted to hurt me...?"
"Of course I didn't." Prof. Denka's voice lost the sad, forlorn edge it had and took on an almost indignant tone. "The thought is repulsive to me...I want to help you. Guide you. Take care of you. Not hurt you. You don't deserve to be hurt, not for anything you do. Not for something you can't even help, like your memory. That's the worst thing of all...we're hurting you for something that's not even your fault...it's not like it's something you can just change overnight. It's not something you want or you can change...it's part of you, it's part of your nature. No amount of words or violence can change that...but...I had to give Namida something...some way of hurting you...or else she would have done it herself..."
Dr. Dowasure kept his large brown eyes on Prof. Denka's own, dabbing at his tears ineffectively with his large labcoat sleeve.
"Have you ever seen..." Prof. Denka began, then shook his head. "No...no I suppose you haven't...you're almost always blinded by your tears...but...after I've lectured you...and you...obediantly...stay where I leave you...and you cry and hate yourself...she's there. Watching you and gloating to herself over your unhappiness. Namida loves to watch people or things in pain...she has no compassion...the only reason I can keep her from tearing you apart completly is by hurting you myself...and she loves it. I think she knows that it hurts me to hurt you, and that makes it even better."
"Prof. Denka...why...? Why does she want to hurt me? I never did anything wrong...she has no reason to hate me...." Dr. Dowasure's had to cough for a short time before his voice would work. Prof. Denka realized that Dr. Dowasure most likely had no idea of people hating other people for no reason, hating them for something that came inherently to them, and not for something they had done. He sighed.
"Namida...Namida often doesn't...she..." Prof. Denka struggled to form his words. "She doesn't think, most of the time. She just feels and hurts. She hates you for no reason. No logical reason, anyway...she just hates you. She hates everyone. Even the other parts of herself."
"But you..." Dr. Dowasure seemed to be grasping at something mentally. He uncurled from his ball, looking at Prof. Denka desperatly, although what he wanted Prof. Denka didn't know. "You don't hate me, do you?"
Prof. Denka was shocked by the question and deeply hurt, for some unknown reason within him. "Of course I don't. I could never hate you, no matter what you did."
"Why?" Dr. Dowasure recoiled slightly, holding his hands to his chest. "Why do...She hates me even though I never did anything wrong. Why don't you feel the same way?"
"We feel differently, me and Namida." Prof. Denka was deeply hurt that Dr. Dowasure was showing such mistrust towards him. "Our thoughts are not even remotely similiar. She hates for no reason. I do no such thing."
"Then...why don't you hate me? You sound so angry when you yell at me...and when you make me cry...I know you have to, but don't you have to hate to do that...?"
"I don't hate you, Dr. Dowasure." Prof. Denka made his voice firm, trying to stop Dr. Dowasure's doubt. "I never did and I never will. I have no reason to hate you. Your memory is a minor nuisance, but no one should hate you for it and I don't."
"You don't hate me? Really?" His tone must have gotten through to him, as he sounded almost hopeful. "Please say you don't..."
Although he had already said so several times, Prof. Denka wouldn't begrudge him another reaffirmation of it. He apparently needed it. "I don't hate you."
Dr. Dowasure stared at him for a few moments, then began crying again, this time laughing thinly through his tears. "I'm glad someone doesn't...I feel like everyone here does...but at least one person doesn't, and I'm glad for that..."
Prof. Denka felt pity and some other emotion within him for such a sad statement. "Dr. Dowasure..."
"You don't know how happy that makes me." It was hard to tell that he was happy due to the tears running down his face, but Dr. Dowasure's smile was able to make it clear. "I don't...I don't feel alone anymore."
"Listen." Prof. Denka placed a hand on his shoulder. "Sometimes you must feel that I hate you because of what I have to do, but never think that, okay? I care about you and that's why I do what I have to...I know it's confusing, but it's all I can do."
Knowing this explanation could never be satisfactory, Prof. Denka stared at the smaller man. He could try and explain all he could, but he would never be able to regain the trust he had in him, because, even if Dr. Dowasure understood what he was doing, he would still have to hurt him. There was no way around it...either way, he had to be hurt.
He hated that.
Why did someone like him have to be hurt? For something that he couldn't even help...
It was wrong...but there was no way around it. Something wrong had to be done, and the lesser of two evils had been chosen.
How could he make it up to him...?
He noticed the smaller doctor shaking fitfully, no doubt from the emotion he was feeling and fear. Not sure of exactly what he wanted to achieve, he gently pulled Dr. Dowasure into a soft hug, holding his head to his chest. Much as he had expected, Dr. Dowasure began sobbing in earnest, completely losing control.
"I'm sorry..." Prof. Denka knew that could never make up for all the hurt he had caused someone who did not deserve it.
Dr. Dowasure held onto him almost convulsively from fear and emotion. "What are we going to do? We're trapped...what are we going to do?"
"I'll think of something." Prof. Denka wanted to reassure him. The fitful shaking that he could feel was a definite bad sign of the stress that Dr. Dowasure was no doubt overwhelmed by at the moment. "Don't worry about it. She can't keep us in here forever. Hana will eventually have to take control of her and allow her to free us."
"So all we can do is wait, right?" Dr. Dowasure's voice was small and frightened.
"That's correct."
Dr. Dowasure didn't say anything for a while, but when he did he sounded somewhat strange. "I'm sorry too."
"For what?" Prof. Denka honestly could not think of a reason why. Dr. Dowasure paused again.
"For being what I am."
"What do you mean?" Prof. Denka wasn't sure what Dr. Dowasure was talking about. It showed in his voice.
"I mean, about my memory and all." Dr. Dowasure's voice slowly lost volume until it took effort to hear him. "I can tell that you're unhappy...you said it was because you had to yell at me...well, I'm sorry for making you yell at me...I don't want you sad."
Prof. Denka was astonished beyond words. Not only was he not able to make amends to the smaller man, but he apparently was being seen as the victim! Dr. Dowasure had managed to switch everything around until it was his fault. Why?
...Because he had learned that everything was his fault due to his treatment. He was reacting normally to something he couldn't handle, which was to blame it on himself and then move on.
And who had taught him this behavior?
Dr. Dowasure was just like Teishi...conditioned to a certain course of actions when presented with a situation. The thought was enough to make Prof. Denka feel faint with anger and disgust at himself. What had he done? Unintentionally or intentionally...what had he done?
"It's NOT your fault." There was more anger in his voice then he intended to have. This startled Dr. Dowasure and he cringed. This did not make the Professor feel better. "Don't ever think it's your fault. All this time we've been telling you that it's your fault...well, it isn't. It never was. Don't apologize to me. I should be apologizing to you."
How could one respond to that? Dr. Dowasure responded, no doubt, the only way he knew how. "I'm sorry..."
"Don't be." Prof. Denka knew that that was the only response that he could think to give and didn't continue to persecute him on his use of the phrase.
Dr. Dowasure didn't say anything, only hiding his face.
Prof. Denka became aware of what he was doing. He could feel something almost like a blush forming on his face. He tried to think of something to say. "Are you okay now?"
Dr. Dowasure sniffed in response.
He couldn't just hold him like this...this wasn't right. He was the one who had caused all of the small doctor's pain...he had no right to hold him. He had no right to be here, causing him all this pain and hurting him. What was he thinking, participating in the torture, however defined, of a human being? He couldn't...just hold...him...
"I'm so sorry." No matter how he tried, he could never apologize for what he had done.
He was surprised to hear Dr. Dowasure respond. "I know. You don't have to say it all the time..."
Prof. Denka shook his head. "No, you don't understand. There is no way that I can ever make up for all the damage that I've done to you..."
"It's okay..."
"It's NOT okay." Prof. Denka was trying to get Dr. Dowasure to stand up for himself. After all his treatment, Dr. Dowasure no longer knew how to keep himself upwards when he was being pushed down. He simply waited for the pressure to leave and slowly worked his way back upwards...he had never openly fought and it showed. Prof. Denka was determined to try and regain this part of Dr. Dowasure, the part that had protested when he had told him to be careful instead of simply nodding submissively.
"I know you're sorry." Dr. Dowasure's voice was soft again. Prof. Denka could feel the young man breathing against him, coming in soft and fluttery as was custom after someone was crying. "I know you are, so you don't have to say it all the time, really..."
"I can never be sorry enough. We've ruined you, her and I."
"...well...can't you stop...?"
The hopefulness in his voice almost made Prof. Denka want to cry. Instead, he set his face and tried to keep persepective, trying to keep his emotions in check. "I'm sorry once again...but I've already told you...I can't...or Namida will rip you apart and laugh at the remains..."
"...yes...I think you told me that...I can't...quite remember..." Dr. Dowasure's voice was full of fear and he cringed again, his body contracting in Prof. Denka's arms. He expected punishment for not being able to remember, which only made Prof. Denka feel even worse. Dr. Dowasure lifted his hands to his face and hid his eyes with his sleeves. "I'm-"
"Don't say it. I'm not going to hurt you now, okay? Not when you need me this badly. I'm not going to turn on you and hurt you. Not now. Not now." Prof. Denka's voice was losing the control and precision that he had been struggling to keep. His emotions were breaking through and changing his voice until it was reflecting more about what he was saying then he would have preferred.
"I...need you..." He wasn't sure whether it was a question or a reaffirmation of what he had just said. Prof. Denka couldn't tell with the majority of Dr. Dowasure's face covered with his sleeves.
Deciding that he need to prove to Dr. Dowasure he wouldn't hurt him, he gently took hold of Dr. Dowasure's wrists through the fabric. He could feel Dr. Dowasure again cringe away from his touch, frightened of him. It hurt.
"Dr. Dowasure, please look at me."
He pulled the doctor's hands away from his face and found the brown eyes staring back at him, large and filled with tears, still falling. He wasn't sure whether he was looking at him because he wanted to or because he had told him to. Again he felt a pang of guilt. Dr. Dowasure sniffled unhappily.
"Do you believe me?"
He wasn't sure where the question came from. He was almost positive that he didn't want an answer. He waited in the silence that followed his abrupt statement, hoping that Dr. Dowasure's response wouldn't prove that everything had gone past him, everything was damaged beyond repair. Nothing could be damage beyond repair, not even electronics...it needed a lot of work, a lot of time, and some luck, but almost anything could be fixed, he knew that now...he knew that because he had devoted his life to electronics and he knew almost everything...everything could be fixed somehow...
"...I...don't know..."
He wasn't sure where to be relieved or upset by his response. At his spoken words, the doctor again began crying, this time more earnestly then before, the tears that had just been waiting now obeying the command to fall. They hit the floor and Prof. Denka's labcoat without a sound, being absorbed seconds after falling. Prof. Denka continued to feel even worse. He was crying. Normally Dr. Dowasure was so cheerful, whenever he saw him, he was cheerful...
Actually, he was cheerful only when he saw him by himself, unaware of any others watching him. He was cheerful when others stopped hurting him...