‘Why is it that the feelings of a man can so carelessly be avoided by a simple slip of tongue? Might he care more if I was worth more? People hate me and I hate them in return, for I only desire one person’s love. Badgered by the people that say they love me, I am forced into positions of danger. I hurt myself to relieve the pain, to release the feelings. Inside I do it also, because I know it hurts them as well. I can see it in their eyes. Yelling and screaming is not how you treat somebody you love. How do I become more, how can I be more for you? What is the price of love? In this case death is certainly not it. I will find life in new places and continue on my quest into sanctity. I search for the meaning of things that other people pass over.’
I pause, staring at him once more, those scars under his eyes, the ones that I gave to him. Lightly tracing my finger along one of the scars, a red liquid begins slithering down the curvature of his face. Fearful that he may wake to find me with blood on my hands once again, my hand drifts away from him. Bringing my finger to my lips, I watch as his blood continues to slide down my hand. Sliding my finger across my mouth, letting the pureness of his life-sustaining crimson fill the emptiness inside my heart, my thoughts again overtake me.
How can he care for me? When inside of me all I see is emptiness, all I see is the darkness inside of me. He tells me I am pretty, He tells me I am beautiful. He kisses me on the head. Holding me close while we lay in bed. I feel so safe and secure. I ask him why he thinks I am worth it, and he replies, "You’re the one I love, and you’re the one I live for without you I am nothing. With you I am as a god. I only want to keep you safe I only want to make you my equal, my partner, and my friend. Creating new life is the purpose of such a partnership. Working together to make new life possible. That’s why I love you."
Hearing his unearthed voice in my mind, I silently begin to weep, tears of pure love, and pure hatred, sliding down my face. So broken, and so forgotten by this world. I long to have him fill that barren space in my soul, the place where I need his love the most. I know that I have already taken a place in his heart, but mine is still empty, and I still long for the promise that will stay, a promise of love that can never be challenged, never be forgotten, and never die.
Yet, there are so many that I have hurt, so many lives that I have taken. And there is no way that he could possibly forgive me, is there? All I know is that I long to be loved, and that will never happen if I don't take the first turn. So, I was so lost in my own thoughts, that I didn't even notice that he had already woken up. Until the moment that he placed his hand upon mine, I had been staring vacantly into the air.
“..Nny?” His words, his voice; that’s all that it takes for that emptiness in my heart to be filled. I spun around to face him, and was greeted with the gentlest of kisses upon my cold lips.
I was his at that moment, lost in a state of rapture, my heart bursting with love prolonged and unspoken. It was all my mind needed to finally be consumed with beautiful vapidity.
Returning the kiss, I felt my heart open up for the first time since I was with Devi. And at that moment, I knew that I had to hold onto this love, but not in the same way that I would have in D-boy and Mr. Eff’s state of mind. No, Edgar would not be subjected to that crystalline sacrifice that the others succumbed to. I would let him live; forever, if possible.
As he pulled away from me, I slowly opened my eyes, and only to find those chatoyant eyes looking back at me with what I knew, was the same emotion that I was feeling for him. He spoke, and I knew it was forever.
“Johnny..I love you...”