Of course, da setting I'm working in is inspiring a lot of random details fer da fic with Edgar actually at da mental hospital from da diaryfic. He's become incredibly creepy there, I've noticed. Much more so than ya'd think. Weird.

Um, I had another idea that I blame on that one song Fantasies Come True from Avenue Q. Just basically an exploration of what everyone's fondest dream is. Ya'd think that'd be easy, but not exactly. Considering it's dreamwork and such, ya have a certain amount of leeway, but ya still hafta keep everyone somewhat in character. Also, there's da question of just what it IS that every character really really wants. I want ta hit everyone, from Nny and Edgar to Scri, Devi, Tenna, Squee...maybe even Shmee. I'm seeing a fic broken into strange chunks, somewhat disjointed but with the dreamlets all connected to each other in strange ways. I hope that makes sense. What was most interestin ta me was working out what Scriabin's deepest dream would be. His ultimate desire. It's come off as very interesting and reflective back ta Edgar, again. I find that there is so much of Scri that has its source in him, even parts I never really considered. It's weird.

Anyway, it has to do with acceptance (of course) but it has some interesting factors. For example, dreamEdgar (who else would Scri want to accept him?) talks a bit about his physical appearance, that he thinks he's beautiful and such (validating the minor changes he made to Edgar's form...his mental image is closer to Edgar than it is to the toy in small ways. But to me, this speaks of there being an underlying fear in Scri, that his form is either not different enough or too different. If it's not different enough, he's not his own person at all and he really is still a part of Edgar, and if it's too different, he'll never be accepted by Edgar like he wants. The fact that Scri has kept himself tied to Edgar in such an obvious way, his appearance, is one of those other random conflicts of his that I hadn't thought of before) and wow...that was like the longest parenthetical note ever. Anyway, Edgar tells him he's beautiful, he needs him, etc etc. That kind of thing. Scri wants to argue with this but doesn't at the same time. How he primarily reacts to this is with fear, as opposed to reality where Edgar'd be met with skepticism and anger. At this point, Edgar takes Scri's coat off and he kind of freaks out. That coat has become such a part of him, and there are small things that I find can be connected to it. I'm wondering now that the size of Scri's sleeves when I draw him are not just my preference fer long sleeves (acoughcough) but the fact that whenever Edgar is nervous or doesn't know what to do, he always does something with his hands. You'll notice him doing this very very far back in Vargas. He even played with the Scritoy when he was talking with Nny on the phone. Edgar has this thing where he always has to be doing something with his hands or something with that nervous energy, and if ya wanna throw in my random backstory, this is related to the fact that his grandmother constantly admonished him for having shaky hands or dropping things or being generally clumsy (and also, the incident with the cookies and his hands getting burnt, and also something mentioned in punish that I thought was interesting but glanced over, that at some point he got his hand stuck in a door or something. I need to think about that a bit more before I decide what that's about. Hmmm.), and he just became rather selfconcious about his hands. Doesn't wanna ruin things with em by touching things, ya see. That's all backstory stuff, not necessary in the end. The fact is that when Edgar's nervous he fiddles with his hands. The fact that Scri's coat has such large sleeves (and kidScri, likewise, also has long sleeves) could be an effort to hide his own nervous hand fidgeting. That's just a theory though, there's no reality to it yet. I'm testing it out, so to speak. May or may not end up in anything. Who knows.

Where was I? Right. So Edgar takes Scri's coat off, and Scri protests. Again, he's mostly frightened of this point of being rejected (as Edgar has himself, thus the belief in a source that will never reject him - God, although again, speculation) and without his coat, he and Edgar look very much alike. They both have black jeans and their shirts are fairly identical, except for that white box on Scri's. I noticed that when ya take Scri's coat off and set him and Edgar side by side, they look far more alike than ya'd think. That coat does a lot ta set them apart, at least visually, although...

Anyway, I was trying to think of why Scri would be upset by this and more afraid of the whole experience than anythin else, and why he would fear being rejected when exposed like this, and as far as I can work out, it has to do with Scriabin's perception of himself.

Scriabin has stated many times so far that he's everything that Edgar doesn't like about himself (says it quite often in 19, I'm sure also in earlier chapters), that whole "I'm your hate and fear a pessimist and so much more etc etc" thing. I think that's one reason why Scri may be so deadset on antagonizing Edgar *all the time* even about minor stupid things. In a way, the fact that he mocks Edgar is one of those things that he uses to define himself as *himself*, you know? Scriabin's sense of self has been developing throughout the fic, at first very slowly while Edgar didn't pay attention, then sped up rapidly when Edgar gave him the name and the reset happened. Scriabin wants that validation from Edgar that he's a real person and such because he's not sure if he is one himself, deep down. He takes on and exaggerates Edgar's worst traits, becomes nasty when cornered, and refuses to talk about himself because he's afraid that really, when it comes down to it, he really is just a mental voice, a figment, and really is just Edgar. He wants to be something or someone different, and he's not sure that when you take away all his snarking and egotism that he'll still be himself. He's set himself against what Edgar is like they were polar opposites, as if he had to be as different from Edgar as humanely possible to assure himself that they were really two different entities. If you take that away from him, he's not sure if he's still himself. Take away the sarcasm and meanness, is Scriabin still Scriabin, or does he just become Edgar again?

Of course, at this point Scriabin is very much himself, hurt or sad or scared or whatever. Take that away, take it all away and he'd still have himself. He'd still be himself. But Scriabin still has that self-doubt, which coincidentally mirrors Edgar's self-doubt quite well. You could even read it as where Scriabin comes from, where his first origins came from. Self-doubt. Edgar doubting his decisions is where Scriabin first came to be, whether that was him as a child or when he first encountered Nny is still up for debate. So when you strip away everything that Scriabin has wrapped himself in (coughhiscoatcoughshallowmetaphorcough), he returns back to that source of himself, that self-doubt. He doubts his self. Edgar doubts his sense of self (the whole "I'm a good person" thing and such) as well.

I swear, those two mirror each other in such weird ways when ya really think about it.

Anyway, Edgar assures Scri that he's still himself etc etc sex. Scri's dream. Edgar's dream, of course, revolves around Nny. Nny's dream...I'm not quite sure yet. It may revolve around Edgar, or it may revolve around Devi and Edgar, or just Devi. Or just himself. I haven't decided yet. Squee would dream of his parents, Tenna I'd imagine would either dream of Devi or all of her friends in general, that kind of thing. I'm not sure where to take Nny's dream just yet. But Scri's dream has solidified itself for me.

Of course I haven't had the chance to sit down and WRITE IT YET aggh. It's even worse when ya DO find time and ya sit there and all of a sudden ya can't create anything. So frustrating.